{warning: a bit of heart and honesty coming right up}disney at sunset

so far, this winter has been pretty dark for me.

yup, i’ve had some AMAZING adventures! but i haven’t mentioned that i’ve also faced some serious tears. some serious stress and some serious depression.

there have been moments when i’ve just wanted to quit my job, just pack up and leave new england. my plan is to just crawl back into my parent’s basement and wait until husbuddy has a job and has life all figured out. i’d join him again then. i think that might be easier some days…

it’s been hard partly because i feel so temporary. i’m continually reminded that we are only here a couple more months…

but i’m trying to make lasting relationships with other seminary wives or with people at church…

i’m trying to be a good employee in a super stressful environment…

i’m trying to be a good, supportive wife, who keeps the house clean and makes dinner for my hardworking man.

AND i’m failing at all those things. big time.

disney flower

i feel like relationships feel forced.  i feel that i don’t belong mostly because i’m not pregnant or have a baby(like practically every wife i know)  or maybe  i live too far away and everyone knows i’m leaving soon, so why bother getting to know me?  i’m failing at being a “good wife” big time…i’m complaining or crying so much and i don’t have time to clean and usually husbuddy is the one who ends up making dinner…{seriously-he is amazing to put up with me!}

i’m failing at so much, you guys! so that’s making me depressed. {*i think i also get slightly seasonally depressed too… just a hunch*}

winter is sometimes so dark, isn’t it?

and if you think about it… it’s kind of funny that i’m struggling so much with depression when my word for the year is JOY. {see blog post here} haha. hilarious. you see me laughing right? ok…slight sarcasm.

it all came to a clash the other day, after a 6am flight when we needed a nap…go figure… but as soon as husbuddy fell asleep, i just cried.

disney at sunset2

i cried out to God. i was so ashamed for my depression -especially after such a loud statement of faith saying that i was going to be joyful this year! and especially after such wonderful trips! i felt so much guilt and shame for so many things. and i told Him all about it.

mostly in my journal. i haven’t journaled much since getting married. i try to tell myself that a journal helps me process things-a lot like this blog- but i still put it off or avoid it… until all of a sudden i just feel compelled to write and write and write… like the other day.

the great thing about keeping a journal is that if you flip back through the history, you can be reminded about how God spoke to you…He prompted me to do just that after i spilled my guts.

disney castle

i flipped back to the day that i discovered this verse Psalm 16:6-11 {that i blogged about here}. i remember that day was full of tears and contemplation too. that day, God gave me such hope with these verses.

and then, He gave them again just by looking at those journal pages.

i was struck:

You make known to me the path of life;
in your presence there is fullness of JOY;
at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.”

Psalm 16:11 {emphasis all yours truly}

there is only FULLNESS of JOY when i am IN GOD’S PRESENCE.

could He hit it over my head any clearer?

i won’t find joy in all the “things” i have to do… even in my work. i can’t find fullness of joy in “being” a good friend or a good wife… all these things i’ve been trying so hard with and feeling so stressed with… i can’t conjure up my own joy.

duh.

i feel like i’m pretty dumb and God has a lot of work ahead of Him to pound this Joy thing through my thick skull…

but i’m SO thankful that He is taking the time to pound it. He is teaching me about JOY and i’m truly thankful. it may take reminding every.single.day with how thick my skull is, but God’s mercy is new every morning, and He delights for me to be in His presence to find His joy.

 God is so good! can i get an amen?

xo-kimberly renee

joy4x5

{thanks for listening, friends! it’s my goal to totally be honest about things around here, so i appreciate it that you’ve taken the time to read! hopefully God will continue to teach me a lot more about Joy this year}

{ps- if you’d like to print off your own copy of my JOY print, go HERE or to the *printables* link above. thanks!}

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